Perhaps It Was The ‘90’s Kid Diet That Caused My Stomach To Kill Itself

When throwing an event, there is always some playful banter as you’re setting up. The OOZE is no different. It honestly makes the initial rush of running around, loading in, screaming into the abyss and sound check worth it. After setting up, I found myself pretty damn hungry. Unfortunately, thanks to covid and people being sick and tired of putting up with the general shittiness of being a restaurant worker, many businesses are not open past 9-10pm on Tuesday nights. The only option was McDonalds. Needless to say, McDonalds isn’t my favorite. Their chicken sandwich pales in comparison to the new Burger King spicy chicken, and since getting rid of their beloved Signature Sauce, I really don’t see any need to share my patronage. Also, considering I eat vegan and vegetarian as much as possible, if I’m going to splurge on some shitty fast food, it’s going to be Burger King or Wendy’s (only because Raising Canes no longer delivers, and also this is Boston, we don’t have good options).

Upon getting my mediocre spicy chicken from McDonalds, which actually was on the far better side than expected, my bartender friend and I started joking about how food has gone down hill since the hay day of being a ‘90’s youth. Another girl at the bar chimed in with her personal favorite food selections, and we all came to the agreement of “what the fuck were we eating?”. So without further adieu, let’s get into my list of those classic ‘90’s food staples.

Here we have the most ‘90’s version of Pop Tarts still available on shelves today. These were 100% totally acceptable for breakfast everyday. And we usually ate them cold (they’d always get too burnt in the toaster - shoddy craftsmanship if you ask me). I also remember boxes saying that they contained all these essential vitamins and minerals (Kellogg’s LOVED that cereal propaganda back then) when actually they were kind of just like frosted cardboard with sugar jelly in the middle. I still have horrific nightmares of annoying kids with Pop Tart jelly in the corners of their mouths. BUT THEY’RE SO GOOD. Until of course, our next food option made it’s grand debut..

Oh yeah, you know what time it is. This was like watching the evolution of Myspace into Facebook. Except Toaster Strudel was the fun, cooler one like Myspace, and Pop Tarts were, well whatever, it doesn’t matter. Toaster Strudels were AWESOME. Something about that frosting. And they cooked so much better. Pro Tip: they cook better in the microwave and don’t get burnt, but ^^ this particular flavor, the cream cheese filling, as good as it was, was always frozen solid. That cannot be healthy. I was also weird and loved the “egg” ones too. Those were also a lost cause, like me for eating them.

What’s breakfast without dinner? And what a better way to spend dinner with your family who was far too busy to cook than Kid Cuisine?! First of all, being that penguins are my favorite animals, Kid Cuisine was already off to a good start. They had PLENTY of options - chicken nuggets, corn dogs, pizza, Mac & Cheese, but the true OGs know that the taquitos were the best option. Sometimes you’d get a brownie or pudding or whatever that crackle stuff is in the picture. I could not tell you what was actually in the taquitos and I’m going to go out on a limb and say that 7-11 taquitos from the magical meat carousel are probably better quality.

Now you may say, “why aren’t these split up? How are you even comparing these Kerry?” Well, like any well-adjusted 31 year old, I still eat both of these, and LOVE them EQUALLY. Pop Tarts vs. Toaster Strudel? There is a clear winner. Bagel Bites had the jingle, you know - “PIZZAINTHEMORNNINPIZZAINTHEVENINPIZZAATSUPPERTIMEWHENPIZZASONABAGELYOUCANEATPIZZAANYTIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Pizza Roll Corp. knew that there was no competing with that. I mean how could you? I could come out of a coma and not remember my name but I would leap out of the hospital bed and with a great big “KOWABUNGA DUDE!” break into this jingle. So Pizza Roll Corp. made the dunkable and delectable alternative - the pizza roll. I like to dunk mine in yellow mustard. That’s just me. To each their own. WARNING: These will 100000% burn the roof of your mouth. No question about it. You’ll actually finish eating them all without even being able to taste them. That’s dieting right?

What screams getting the nutrition you need to pass that middle school math quiz by eating a cereal solely based on (in one girl’s opinion) THE BEST candy to exist ever? REESE’S PUFFS!!! FOR BREAKFAST?!>!?!? This was back in the golden era of cereal…you know, prizes, and when the FDA was convinced that puffed corn was the ideal breakfast food. How did that rumor even start? This must be why I still choose to eat Smartfood for breakfast 3 days a week. These core American values just don’t dissipate over time.

As a kid, I never really like soda. I would pretend to, but it always made my throat hurt so I’d have a sip and forget about it. Soda alone is probably THE WORST thing you can drink besides anti-freeze (shoutout to Forensic Files). This was probably the one thing going for me as a child, that I didn’t like it. That is, until Pepsi Blue came out. I don’t personally know any other person that drank it, but I LOVED it. It tasted like cotton candy but blue raspberry kind of. I can’t explain it. I’m sure to get that flavor, Pepsi had to go back to Coke’s original cocaine recipe and just substitute the cocaine with sugar. BE THAT AS IT MAY, if I was the only loser who drank it (and got a case of it for Christmas one year, lucky me), you can thank this soda for the invention of Mountain Dew Code Red, and thus Baja Blast, which truly both pale in comparison to this beverage.

I may be biased on the name of this candy, but boy was it great. And by candy, I basically mean sour toothpaste. No really, that’s all it was. And I’m pretty sure it became banned in most gas stations in grocery stores though I do see it from time to time. The consistency was like something in between jello, melted Ring Pops, and whatever they made Creepy Crawlers out of. There is no way in hell that this stuff was remotely safe to ingest and honestly, I’m going to put on my tinfoil hat here and even suggest it was created by angry dentists trying to trick children into brushing their teeth more. Well, jokes on you Dr. Ooze Tube, our next candy came out and took the country by storm.

Do you enjoy candy? Do you like your tastebuds? Well unfortunately, you can only have one. That Black Raspberry Warhead would peel the skin off your tongue quicker than paint thinner. And we’d stuff as many in our mouths as possible until you literally were crying. OH! And remember giving them to your young siblings under the guise of a delicious candy treat?! People just don’t joke like that anymore. And the Warhead Lollipops? Those were not long-lived, possibly nuclear. You couldn’t get more than maybe five licks in. There was no “how many licks?” question associated with it. You’d get a sunburn opening the wrapper. My mouth is watering thinking about them.

Meet the shitty predecessor to Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. I know, I know, that’s what the label says but these were the ASTEROID Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. These were so much better and actually tasted like you wished Flamin’ Hot Cheetos did today. I truly feel sorry for people that never got to try these. Not only did these also burn the roof of your mouth off like Warheads, but they came in this adorable single-use plastic container. Super 90’s and radical. If it was the ‘50’s they would’ve put some type of fun, X-Ray toy in there for children.

*Cue that massive orchestra song they play when a rocket ship finally approaches the sun which actually turns out to be a fat guy’s belly in every ‘90’s kid’s movie* That’s what would play when you’d order a Super Sized McDonald’s meal. Everyone remembers how old they were the first time they could crush a Big Mac Meal. Correction everyone in America remembers how old they were the first time they could crush a Big Mac Meal. Then this thing came out. And then they took it away because I think we were gunning for the Olympics and couldn’t lose to Russia or whoever the Commies of the year were or something and it was a bad look. Plot twist: THE LARGE FRY IS ONLY ONE OUNCE SMALLER THAN THE SUPER SIZED FRY. And that’s why I order it still.

And finally, we have Lunchables. None of these were good. The pizza one which was “everyone’s favorite” was basically just a big church wafer with cold pizza sauce, non-melted cheese and pepperoni, which is really the only thing Oscar Mayer has any business selling. There was also a cracker version, which was a Christmas cheese and meat platter from Stop & Shop, and a Nacho Cheese dipping version (cold nacho cheese too). However, the Capri Sun was always perfectly at room temperature and really brought out the high sodium content perfect of these bad boys.

Well I think that just about wraps it up. And like with any of my lists, you can absolutely fuck right off with the “merr well you should’ve had blah blah on the list”. No, I shouldn’t have. Like Gushers were really that bad? At least they were portion controller? And purple ketchup? It was just ketchup dyed purple. Ketchup in general isn’t great for you. Read a fucking label sometime. And get your cholesterol checked. Times were crazy back then.