Haaaaay, Let's Smoke A Blunt For Hitler's Birthday!

So today, if you didn’t know, was 420. The Stoner Christmas. St. Patty’s Day for Pot Heads. Hitler’s Birthday. Whatever you wanna call it, it’s ongoing today. Something about 420 has always rubbed me the wrong way like a ribbed condamn. I’m not writing this to be a hater or bash people smoking weed or whatthefuckeverelse, but like really, I avoid social media and being social in general on days like today because I get so annoyed with it. So, that being said, I’m just going to take this post to express why people should quit talking about how much they love or hate this fucking holiday. My brain is so fried right now from working all day so I apologize if this post sucks dick. But I honestly just think its the contact high from the universe right now.

First of all, I’m not anti-smoking or anything like that. There was a time in my life where all I did all day was smoke pot. Whatever you want to put in your body is fine with me – double-sided dildo to heroin syringe to a fuckload of weed. I don’t care, I just don’t really do it anymore. But, I’m fucking sick of people posting about 420 on facebook. In fact, that goes with all holidays. “284 OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS POSTED ABOUT ST. PATTY’S DAY”. Oh, really? It’s St. Patty’s Day? Shit, good thing I’m coincidentally wearing lime green suspenders, knee high socks, and enough fucking beads that my neck will end up doing that sexy African stretch thing. I would not have known that today was St. Patty’s Day otherwise. God bless social media. 420 falls under that umbrella of facebook douchebagery. Whatever Bob Marley, Dispatch, Sublime lyrics you posted, whatever pictures you put up of your freshly cleaned bubbler, to a smiple “420 ♥”, I don’t give a fuck. You’re blowing up my news feed. I know it’s 420. I know you’re high as fuck because you posted about being high as fuck 24 hours ago. Now post a fucking music video or a news link or something worthwhile that won’t make my brain turn into baby food. Boo The Cutest Dog In The World had more interesting posts today than you fucktards did.

Now moving on from facebook bs, why is today any different than any other day of the year? You smoked pot. If you’re a pothead, don’t you smoke every fucking day anyway? “Shit, its my day off. What am I gonna do today?” Jeeze, I don’t know. Call up your friend and smoke a bowl? Exactly what you did today? Right, exactly. “No Kerry! You’re wrong! I got super high today!” If memory serves me correctly, every time I smoked, it was the highest I’d ever been in my life. Cliche stoner remark. “Fuck man, I’m so fucking high. And I’m hungry as shit.” Right. Exactly. So you smoked, and you got super fucking high. Just like you did on Tuesday. Ok, what’s next? “No Kerry! You’re wrong! This is our holiday!” Ok. I didn’t hear any parades going down the street. “It’s a Pot Farm, Charlie Brown!” wasn’t on TV today. I didn’t get a 420 card from my Grandma in the mail and my Grandma ALWAYS sends me cards. What’s typically a 420 tradition? Smoking weed? Ok, so just what you did on Wednesday? Yep, ok. Granted, I get it. You bet your ass on Cinco De Drinko I won’t even know my own gender (which is sometimes up in the air as is), but yeah I’ll be fucking whitegurlwasted. But that’s because the more booze you drink, the drunker you get. Pot has a ceiling; eventually your body just stops noticing and you fall asleep. C’mon, don’t you assholes use this on your essays about legalization and why booze is the devil and causes car accidents and rape and pot doesn’t? God, it’s like talking to myself.

“But Kerry! You never celebrated 420 when you smoked weed?!” To be completely fucking honest, I knew I was getting high anyway. It’d be a God send if I even knew what day of the week it was, never mind what the date was. It was always April vacation anyway! The only reason I ever really noticed was because there would be like 5 new faces in my friend group that day taking a hit “to celebrate”. Whatever. It’s so fitting that 420 is the way it is, because its so blatantly obvious that it was initiated by pot heads because it doesn’t make any fucking sense. “Let’s create a holiday about smoking weed! It’ll be awesome! We’ll get super high on that day!”. And that’s all that will get done to put together this holiday. Half-assed to the max in total stoner fashion. It’s the weekend. You would be getting high as motherfucking Pluto today anyway.

HOWEVER. If you’re bashing on 420 simply because you hate pot…shut the fuck up. Give the weed fiends a day to make them feel like they put together this glorious day of talking about why the walls in their house are white but the outside of their houses are painted. It’s always these kind of people that are the people getting totally effing wassssssssstttyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeddddddddddddd on the drinking holidays. Like stop being fucking hypocritical. I mean, I’m thankful on those days that there are so many extra people at the bar to prevent me from looking like an asshole when I get pee on my leg, but you’re still ingesting a drug. A drug that can potentially fuck up your life a lot worse than smoking a blunt can. Just keep that in mind. You’re gonna post a bunch of stupid bulllshit on Cinco De Mayo anyway, just let ‘em have their retarded fucking holiday. Oh, and as a PS to people out there…STOP WITH THE RANDO TEXTS “DO YOU SMOKE?” AT 2AM. I’m not fucking 14 years old, if I want weed, I’ll go fucking buy it my damn self and smoke it by my damn self away from your creepiness trying to get in my really cute undergarments. Fuck off.

Anyway guys, I hope you’re enjoying being asleep today or eating some sort of pepper and onion pizza covered in Sprinkles and whipped cream if you’re all about Hitler’s birfday. And if you’re not into that shit, leave those folk alone. They probably can’t even hear you right now talking shit so just leave ‘em the fuck alone. Soon enough you’ll be making a jack ass out of yourself in a sombrero.

*8/10 people still don’t realize that today is Hitler’s birthday. Call up Princess RiRi and tell her to lick his icing off.