Bids Getting Ready 101 (With Your Host - Four Tequila Crans Deep)
With it being the weekend and all, I decided to delve into bids getting ready to go out to whatever bar or club or street corner they so choose. When girls get ready its like a process and a half. If you thought training for the marathon was difficult, you’ve clearly never been stuck in 10×10 bedroom with 4 other girls trying to get ready to go out. Personally, when I hear the words “what are you doing tonight?” my first thought goes to – “ok shit, what am I drinking? Wait a second…tequila, duh.” My next thought is “ok, what Pandora station am I in the mood for?” Once those questions have been answered, I could really care less what I’m wearing, how my make up looks or anything else for that matter. The concept of if I can get a quality drunk on before I go out takes the helm of the SS ShitTanked and it’s on from there. So for all you biddies, wasting your time on the “important things” in life, take heed.
Make-Up: Now, we all know I don’t give a fuck about make up. I really truly don’t. I don’t get it, it smells like asshole, and it costs money that I could spend on other things like booze. Sadly, I think that even if I knew how to do my make up, I wouldn’t wear it. It’s time consuming! Most girls spend a solid 20-45 minutes putting their face on. I could have had at least one drink by then. And heaven forbid girls don’t have enough time to put make up on. I don’t know how they do it, but they actually create time out of thin air. “Shit, it’s 9:57, we have to leave by 10 and I still have to shower and do my make up”. I blink and she’s fucking showered and make-upped. Wait, how the fuck did you just do that? Are they now including clock stoppers watches in foundation? Are we in the Twilight Zone? I’m pretty sure they cancelled that show along with the lip liner you’re wearing but I guess not. And bids go all the eff out with this shiz. Like fuck paint by numbers, I’m in that child hood phase where I want to color every section a different shade of the rainbow. “Oh, I want really make my eyes pop with this dress I just got.” Well. I’m not sure why your smokey eyes include alternating variations of gold, blue, and black, and your dress is red, but by all means, you just did a better job on your make up than I did on mine. And let me guess, you guys are expecting some sort of reference to Mimi from the Drew Carey Show? No, very overplayed. I respect girls that take time and effort on their make up, but if you consider yourself to be the Picasso of make up and your face looks a little more Andy Warhol, well then you may have a problem.
Clothing: Time for 14 outfit changes.“Omgzz, what’re you wearing tonight?” I’ve tried to go out in under garments once or twice. I’m not sure what the rule of thumb is but sometimes my bids let me leave the house like this. Other times, it’s socially unacceptable. Same with band tees. Sometimes it’s funny. Sometimes I have to get my act together. “What’re you wearing tonight?” Again, I don’t give a faaaackkkk dooood. I’ll let everyone have first dibs on colors and styles and accessories. Whatever is left – perfect, now I don’t have to decide. The first 10 outfits aren’t good enough for your biddies. Either your shoes don’t match or your make up got on it or your boobs hurt or she just wore that last night and got jizz all over it. I don’t know, it’s usually a number of those things. Rule of thumb – or it would be if I had titties – just wear something totally effing slutty. Show off your ass and your boobs. Fuck man. I don’t see why girls think so much about their outfits. They ask every bid in the room “does this look ok?” WHO THE FUCK CARES UNLESS YOU HAVE A BIG LEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZBIAN CRUSH ON EVERY CHICK IN THE ROOM! Grab a dude and ask him. He’ll be honest. “Well…you’re wearing too much and your make up looks like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show (HIIIILARIOUS)”. But point being is that you’ll know what the other dudes will think and you probably won’t have to change 14 times. Stop dressing for girls. They’re bitches anyway and won’t be honest.
Shoes: Go high or go home. I’m so not girly whatsoever. But I have a mean shoe game. If that shit isn’t 5 inches or bigger (if only that was how life worked), step your game up. Girls love all those weird trends like that gladiator thing that was popular and weird boots from the early 1900s and whatever Colonel Mustard shit Forevvs pumps out that week but it all looks like asshole. Keep it simple. Pumps, open toes, straps, and some boots. Get different colors and different styles but no need to go all One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest on it. Keep it simple. Shoes should make your outfit but that doesn’t mean that they’re so over the top that you can’t walk or look like Big Bird made his home in your left heel. Guys just like long legs and things that make your ass jiggle. All heels do that. So pick something reasonably slutacious and perrty in color. Holla when you can still bust out a gym sesh after rocking heels like this all weekend.
Hair: Sex hair all day. Take it out if it’s up, brush it, 2 second straighten, and then onto the sex hair tussle. I’m ready to go out. Did someone just run over a raccoon or has your hair been touching a burning iron for 30 minutes? Should I be concerned with lighting a butt in this room? I’m pretty sure there is a mask of hairspray covering my contacts. Regardless…my question is why bother putting in so much effort? You’re about to sweat your balls off in a public drinking facility and you’re spending forever on your hair. By the end of the night, you’ll look like you had a cameo appearance in Twister, dug through Oscar The Grouch’s trashcan – I mean home, and were wrestling with someone with food poisoning. By all means, it seems like you had a great night out, but your hair took the heaviest of beating if you leave your vag and liver out of the equation. Like honestly, what’d you get? Maybe one good picture that I probably ruined? Granted, I get it. Some of us weren’t born with my hair. But guys don’t want to run their fingers through anyone’s hair that looks like it was dipped in oil slick from Diddy Kong Racing. They hate poofs (but I love mine) and crazy stupid bullshit. Keep it simple, bids. I mean isn’t the whole reason you go out to attract dudes? Well shit, learn from this then.
Drinking: Well. While you guys were dealing with looking good, I may or may not have had upwards of half a handle. I’m ready to go the fuck out. You now can drink one drink before we have to leave. But hold the banana phone! I fucked up too! Outside of college or vacation, you should NEVER get this sloshed before going out. I know, it’s expensive and you want to save money. But trust me, you’re still going to hop on the train to pound town regardless of how much you’ve already had, plus you don’t want to be a hot mess walking into the bar. Dudes pick up on that. They can smell weakness a mile away, or perhaps it’s the fact that everyone in the place just fell over drunk from simply the smell of my tequila breath. Guys pick up on this. Then they try tricking me! “Hey, you know…you kind of look like Jules from Superbad.” My bids are all like “what the fuck? No she doesn’t”. And the trick usually works because I love that movie and I tell him that I’m about to give him the best BLOOOOOOWWWWW J evaaaaa. Needless to say, the rest of the night is down hill from there. I may be a cheap date now, but when I think about it, I’m fucking dope. I can be a cheap date anytime I want. And now I’m shwasted and acting like a dumbass at 10:30.
Moral of the story kiddos, is everything in moderation. I’ll never understand why girls love the getting ready process. It pisses me off, it stresses me out, and usually showering took most of my energy, so now I’m in power save mode for the dance floor. Everyone knows that girls just get ready to show off in front of other girls. Granted, yeah, there are those girls (@Breezie) that put in a zillion hours of effort and get the 5 dudes that give a shit about that stuff. More power to you. I’m lucky that I’m witty enough where I can talk myself out of any situation or talk anyone I want into my situation. Plus I’m hot. I’m thankful for that. But ladies, look, if all you got is looking good when you go out, you’re competing with every other girl that looks good that might actually bring humor, intelligence, and confidence out with them. It’s important to be on your A game when you go out but hopefully there are other things about yourself that you like, so don’t be afraid to show those things off too. Guys approach you because you’re hot, guys sit and talk to you because you’re hot, but in all actuality, guys probably want to punch you in the teeth if you can’t carry a conversation. So keep these things in mind, and hopefully you’ll do a little better than the biddie huddle tonight.
*9/10 biddies look better than me when they go out but 0/10 biddies have the bawlz to roll out of bed and do a photo shoot. Any takers?...Besides the crickets?
