Whorrible Social Media Pictures
Before I begin on my rant, please note the above pictures. Yes that’s me, again, note the title…BRUNETTE. Any who I’d like to go over some pointers for taking a nice new profile pic for your favorite social media outlet (mine is facebook by the way, eff that twatter shiz).
1. BATHROOM MIRROR SHOTS. Now, this brings up a good point. “Forgive me Facebook, I have sinned. It’s been at least 3 hours since my last upload…” No matter what you’re doing or what’s going on, you can ALWAYS take a new picture. I’m in my work clothes, but quick! to the bathroom. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing, as long as you show some skin, especially if you have a piercing. I have my hips pierced, I’m showin’ that off. Your nose is pierced? No problem! Make sure the shiny side hits the light. Everyone knows piercings make the shot because it shows people how different you are. Also, don’t worry about any such difficulty seeing the shot – get that flash in the mirror, basically chop your whole face off if you want. In this scenario, I’m actually standing on top of my bathtub because I’m about the same height as a mini fridge (ugh EMBARASSING). This is ok too, you want to be as deceiving as possible.
2. SEXY WEB CAM SHOTS. Another classic go-to. These are kind of like saying “Yeah, here’s a newd pic for my boyfriend, but I’m going to text this to everyone to make sure they know I hit puberty over summer vacation”. It’s best to mix and match things that don’t belong such as my booty shorts and this Hollister sweater that I bought in 2007 (not throwing it out, still gets me action). Your hair doesn’t matter, it’s all about accentuating what you like about yourself. I have a gorgeous eyes and luscious lips so I’m going to make sure there’s fucking product there (granted, I could go all out with eye shadow but 1. I don’t own any 2. I don’t understand it and 3. I’m a 21 year old tomboy. If you’d like make up tips, click here). I’d also like my very own pair of bewbs, so I’m using this shot to pretend I have anything worthwhile going on there. Finally, don’t worry about looking like a slut because sex sells, and you want likes!
3. POINTLESS ACCESSORIZING. Always remember that if you can’t be creative, grab your favorite accessories. I chose this hat from a local sports team which I know nothing about to show that I’m “one of the guys”. That way, when I get asked on a date to go to a game, I’ll look like a complete douchebag! And the most important rule of thumb, NEVER LEAVE YOUR DUCK FACE AT HOME.
Anyway, back to my rant. Ok so with the amount of people I hear talking about this topic, you would think that things would be different, but no. I log onto facebook and see this plague of bullshit everyday. People have albums and albums and albums of themselves covering their walls, AND PEOPLE ACTUALLY “LIKE” THIS SHIT. I wanna know who the people are that “like” these posts when 90% of the general public is bitching about it. I bet they’re totally agreeing about how awful it is and then go home and like the fuck out of these pictures because they’re desperate for friends and/or some action. Like, bro, you really think that liking this biddie’s pictures will get your laid? FUCK NO IT WON’T. She does it because she’s needy and feels like getting complimented on how un-cottagecheesy her thighs look because she edits the fuck out of them. When it comes down to it, will she be slobbin’ on your knob? No, she probably won’t even write you a thank you comment back. And girls? You biddies are worse. You wanna know why? Because when a guy puts up a shirtless pic of himself, you know he’s going to blow up EVERY biddie that comments on it. Girls that put that shit up do it to be a tease; guys do it because they need a new batch of pathetic girls to IM backnforth at 3am. You already know you’re approaching a creep faster then lesbian rocket ship at a beaver dam. This dude just has early morning wood (the worst kind) and wants your help with his hard on. He’s not asking you out for coffee or whatever people do on dates. But most importantly, if you’re posting this shit at 1:30 on a Wed afternoon, I’m going to assume that’s your day off, otherwise, GET A JOB.
*8/10 guys pleasured themselves after looking at my pictures. 1/10 guys made out with the computer screen and the other 1/10 restrained himself for fear that his kitten would be killed.
